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"MY REASON FOR GOING ON"
PLEASE MAXIMIZE YOUR SCREEN

"Taking a person through a grief, a loss, a significant change during which time they may be "cocooned" off from the rest of the world while trying to heal, only to emerge after time, changed, transformed, metamporhosed into a different person. Thus is the story of the butterfly."
"The butterfly has been used by many cultures as a symbol of joy, happiness, of spring, rebirth and renewal."

Hi everyone my name is Jackie. I'am a single mom of 4 beautiful children. They are my true inspiration and my reason to go on. So please take a walk with me and get to know us all:)

Where to start? Well lets start with my children, its quite a story. I have 3 boys and 1 little girl, Tyler, Robert, Justin and Brittany.

[Tyler] [Robert] [Justin] [Brittany]

From Left to Right:
Tyler 12(1 year before he became sick, he would be 18 now...), Robert 18(Roberts updated picture is when he was 17), Justin(updated he's 16!/2000) and Brittany 10(updated picture/2000)

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Tyler..Nov. 10th/80 to Dec.8th/94 is my beautiful heavenly angel who was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia and Acute Mylogenous Leukemia. After 4 months we lost him at 14 years old. I have made a webpage in tribute of Tyler, my heart and soul went into his page, please go visit it:
Tismyangel's Home Page

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Robert is my next child , who was born Aug.22nd/82 and is 17 years old now. Robert has always been my quiet child (sometimes being quiet means trouble) :)Dig the hair? Thank god its normal again!. Robert has been through a lot in his young life, he was Tyler's bone marrow doner at age 12 and still feels sometimes he let his brother down. He truely has a heart of gold and is a "whip" with computers. Robert is an avid music fan, ask him something to do with a group or "who sings that" he'll tell you. He also loves to play his bass guitar.Robert has a smile that makes your heart melt,(gets me every time).When Robert was little my name for him was "my little sunshine boy." He still is my sunshine...he comes out with the funniest things and always can make me laugh! Having teenagers has given me a few grey hairs, and Robert most definately has given me some of them. My love for him out weighs all the teenage stuff though, and I treasure each day I have with him.

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Justin is the next down the line. He is my "Christmas Baby" born December 25th/84,and is 15 years old now. Boy have we got enough room? Justin leaves an imprint on your heart the moment you meet him. I think it may have something to do with his big brown eyes and longggg eye lashes! (Why do the boys always get them?) Justin can be quite a devil...grrrr but all he has to do is bat those lashes and he usually gets away with it..(shaking my head) Joking aside, Justin has a very good heart also and is very compassionate of others. He has that "spark" you never tire of. He also can be extremely comical, a uniqueness I love! Justin has also put his fair share of grey hairs on my head and somehow I know he'll give me more before hes through! The stage between 12 to 18 I classify as the "alien stage", Oh God help me get through it! :) Justin's nick name as a little baby was "Jussy". Justin also brings much love and joy in my life and I'm thankful for everyday I have with him.

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Brittany is the "baby" of my family. Finally a little girl! "Britt" was born June 22/90 and is 9 1/2 years old. Had to level off all that testosterone a little. :o). Well I will definatley tell you there is a big difference between boys and girls! Mood swings,....geeezzzz. But I wouldn't give up my "little punkin" for anything in this world. She is truely another light of my life! Sometimes looking at Britt makes my heart ache so badly; and at the same time I feel so blessed. She's the child of mine that is so very much like her big brother Tyler. I honestly have said they were connected somehow from the very beginning. Britt has a true heart of gold and worries about everyone but herself. She has a smile that lights up the world and would give the shirt off her back to help someone. She (like the boys) has been through so much in her short life that sometimes it seems shes 8 1/2 going on 25. My little girl takes on adult problems, sometimes to help me through a day. Not saying my boys don't; they do...just its not fair for any of them. Britt also loves her 2 brothers Robert and Justin very much. She's real "huggy" and can annoy them immensely! But it can be the other way around also! What are brothers and sisters for anyhow?:) Brittany's nick name from a baby, and still now is "Punkin". She truely is my little girl blessing and her caring and unique ways gives me another reason to go on. I love her with all my heart and treasure every single day I have with her also.

[butterfly]

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About Me I guess its my turn...a little of my story will help you appreciate how truely special my children are to me. After losing my son Tyler 4 months from the time he was diagnosed with leukemia, a big part of me also died . The loss of a child is the worse devastation that can happen in a life time. I walked around in a "fog" not knowing when that fog was to lift. I wanted to be with Tyler, but I knew that wasn't going to happen. Tyler would've been so upset with me if I had quit. I had 3 children still here that needed me...and I more than ever needed them! So I, in my fog continued on...

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April 15th/95 is another date that I will remember for the rest of my life . I decided to get away with my boyfriend Dennis for 3 days; he knew how much I needed it. Dennis drove semi trucks for a living and was taking a trip to Edmonton Alberta; I went with him. We made it as far as Kamloops BC and our trip came to a halt. I have very little memory as to what occured next. We were turning into the Jasper exit off of the TransCanada Highway in Kamloops when Dennis apparently lost control of his semi. I woke up to a man asking my name and if anyone else was in the truck. I asked where Dennis was and wheres Lucky? (Dennis' dog) the man asked if they were in the truck, I said yes, he then told me we have Dennis and Lucky. I then lost consciousness again. I drifted in and out of consciousness a few times while trapped in the truck. At one point I woke again to alot of noise, they were using the jaws of life to help me get out. While I was trapped in the truck (for 2 1/2 hours) I felt nothing but peace and calmness. And I felt no pain and had no fear. At one point I remember "VIVIDLY" seeing a bright light and in that light was Tyler! I was talking to him and crying, he said to me "No Mom, not now, you need to go back". He looked beautiful and healthy,and the bright light radiated on his face. It was like a wonderful dream I didn't want to wake up! But I did.....

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~Dennis and Lucky~
Picture on Left: Dec./94 Picture on Right: Apr./95
March 1st,/2008 Happy 46th Birthday Dennis, I love you and miss you...take care of Tyler until I'm with you both again...

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In Loving Memory Of Dennis:
March 1st,/62 to April 15th/95...

When I did wake up I was fighting for my life in ICU. I had not known the extent of my injuries until then. I was severly drugged and spent alot of time sleeping. What I did know was(Dennis had died, the paramedic did tell me that while I was trapped in the truck) He had died instantly from massive head injuries and both lungs punctured. Lucky the best dog in the world, died 3 hours after from massive internal injuries and a broken back. I had lost my right arm, smashed my jaw and cheek bone in 3 places, collapsed my left lung and cracked 3 ribs. I missed the main artery in my right leg by 1/4 of an inch (my right leg was a concern) it had tubes running out of it hoping my blood would clot. If that didn't work my leg would need to be also amputated. I tore all the tendons in my left hand and broke the cartlidge in my wrist. I had many deep facial and leg lacerations and knocked out 6 teeth. All in all I was called their miracle girl of Kamloops; I shouldn't have made it!....I didn't want to make it....I wanted to die! I was mad at the paramedics and doctors for saving me. I kept on saying I want to be with Tyler and Dennis, let me go...

[butterfly]

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The Doctors and Nurses were worried about my recovery because, the will to live that got me through the accident was gone. On April 20th (5 days after my accident) my children came from our hometown to see me. Our hometown is 4 hours driving distance from Kamloops. I was a little more coherent by that time, but still heavely sedated. When my children came by my bed side the most I remember was the sheer horror on their faces. Robert had to leave my bedside and wanted to be alone. Justin just cried and told me he loved me, I had to get better, Brittany was terrified, she didn't recognize me. My girlfriend , took Britt by the hand and lead her to the left side of me, where I wasn't as badly "smashed up" (The right side of my body received the most damage). Very apprehensively she came to realize it was me. My kids stayed the weekend. When it was time for them to go back home I totally lost it! I wanted my kids! I wanted to go home! It was then that the nurses said I started to fight! It was my children who gave me the will to fight again, and its to them I give my undying love.

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I'd like to share a very short part to the journal my sister wrote and kept for me. She wrote her feelings down about the first two weeks of me in the hospital. Several months later she presented it to me, I treasure it to this day. I love you Denise...for you, Mother and Father have also been my "Rock...

Apr.15/95...Jackie was still heavely drugged, but was able to talk to us. She kept on repeating to us that there was black ice on the road, that it wasn't Dennis' fault. She also kept on telling us she wanted to be with Tyler. We tried very hard to be positive for her, but had been overwhelmed with all that had taken place. We could only repeat to ourselves how thankful we were that Jackie was alive.

Apr.16/95Jackie was still heavily drugged due to the amount of injuries she sustained. She kept on asking about Dennis and his injuries, etc. We avoided answering her question, since we didn't want to upset her anymore than she had been. She still repeated there was ice on the road, she also told each of us how sorry she was. Jackie drifted in and out most of the day, her condition was serious but stable..

Last Paragraph of Denise' Journal (this was to me personally)Today was a very emotional day for me. As much as I tried to be strong for Jackie, I broke down a number of times. All the visions kept repeating in my head. It was only now, I came to realize how much Jackie is a part of me....Jackie - We may have our differences, but as my sister and friend you are very much needed. I love you and always will no matter what. The thought of you leaving this world can not be comprehended. I thank your guardian angel for making the decision to keep you here a little while longer. Thank you Tyler (I believe you had a part in this as well).

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A continuation to my story will continue on next page. Please click on the link button. The 2nd page will consist of a picture (may be disturbing for some) of the semi truck. The reason for showing the picture is for you to see that there are miracles(I'am one of them).....and beautiful guardian angels. Mine are with me always. I will also share some links to helpful sites on the net for amputees and for their loved ones to help try to understand. There will be many links to grief for parents who have lost children and loved ones also. I will try to tell you where I'am now in my rehab, and also shed a light on how very far I've come in almost 4 years. Please follow me to my next page.~~~>

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PLEASE VISIT MY REASON TO GO ON PAGE 2

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PLEASE VISIT MY WEBRINGS PAGE

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I'am truely honoured to accept this award. Although I think I know who nominated me, I can not be sure. If it was you Bea, I thank you with all my heart. If it wasn't, to whoever it may be I thank you too:) Also thank you Secret Heart for accepting the nomination{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}Heres what the very special person said about me:)
You have been nominated for this award for your page "My Reason For Going On" because this page touched someone's heart very simply. I agree with this person, for as I read your page I was brought to tears for all you've gone through, yet you are still going on. The person who nominated you wishes to remain anonymous, but wants you to know...
"Although she has lost a child to cancer and suffered a life-threatening accident herself, she still continues to be a source of inspiration to others. She is the most amazing and courageous woman."
From what I read, I agree. If you choose to accept this award, which I sincerily hope you do, please email me back so that I can link to you from my site. I greatly appreciate it. GOd bless....
[Secret Heart Award]

MY OLD COUNTER CRASHED
PLEASE ADD 4,922 ON TO THE NEW COUNTER NUMBER

PAGE LAST UPDATED:
FEBRUARY 29, 2000

MIDI PLAYING
MY HEART WILL GO ON
SUNG BY: CELINE DION

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